So, This Is Home


It seemed that I had inherited a new home. Or should I say rock. There really is no beginning to my tale and the ending hasn’t been written but it would seem as though I inherited two things from my dead lover. A rock off the coast of Spain, all by it’s lonesome. And a man, now that was just down right funny. Josh was his name, and he was bequeathed to me along with this huge hunk of rock. I’ll back up if need be. 10 years ago my lover and I were captured like animals, not an easy task considering what we were, but caught none the less.

5 years of experiments and training later, they killed him in front of me and spared my life. Cruel fate someone will pay for eventually. Before I rage Armageddon down on these people I need to know the truth. The truth is always part lie. I just needed to know who was the liar and who was the one or ones telling the truth. For now, My heart stays locked up to any thoughts of him, trying not to think of it yet. It’s not the time, but I can feel it getting close.

After his death, they could not control me, at least how they wanted too. They had killed their bargaining chip and what did I have to lose? They managed to find something, they always did but it wasn’t enough to hold me. I escaped to a place I had been told to go if I managed to get out. My lover had drilled it in my head over and over. So I did, finding a very dead man and a ransacked home. Shaking my head as I walked through the mess I went to the very back porch and looked up. Counting the panels in the ceiling, I reached for the forth one over, moving the panel and jumping up into the crawlspace above. Untouched and unchanged for years, the dust was thick and the spiders ruled here. Fine, they could have it, I wanted what was mine and be gone. Crawling to the center of the space, I looked to the left and saw the nail mark I was to look for. Just a scratch, nothing to indicate a single thing out of place.

Ripping open the panel with my hands, I grabbed the little flash light I had and looked down into the hole. A satchel, stuffed inside but not far enough I couldn’t reach it. Deciding I needed to leave and find a safe place to see what was in it, I left the way I came, though putting things to right the best I could.

Later I would come to find letters from my amour. Instructions on what to do in case of his death, and a contact for a one Josh Mercer. He was the one who would show me what I needed to know. To valuable to write down and non-extractable from him unless they killed him. In which case I was on my own.

So many more details but I’m tired. My mind is in a fog and when sleep calls to me so do the dreams. Let’s just say Josh wasn’t dead and now I live inside of this rock. Still working for the same horrid people, but on my terms most of the time. Josh and I are safe here thanks to my lover. I still can’t say his name, the sorrow too much.

But . . .

The Dreams . . . Those never stop. For 10 years they have been a constant companion of my sleep. A sleep of the dead, but I’m not ready to talk about that either. For 10 years I’ve lived this illusion of a presence. It seems my soul is adamant about loving him yet my heart loved my mate. How can one be so divided and why would this be playing out over and over again. I know his voice, the sound of his walk, the scent of him, where he’s been and what he’s touched. I almost think I’ve felt him inside me. God help me, I’ve finally gone insane, it’s finally happened. All I can say right now is this. He’s the shadow in my dreams, the presence I can scent, the body I can feel and the voice I know as well as my own. We play this cat and mouse game but I have no idea why. He’s like a shadow of myself, only male. Very male and of my kind. Elusive, though I’ve never sought him out.

One day, very soon, we’ll collide . . . When that happens, some things after that will never be the same.

Journal entry-January 2005